April 28, 2008
Sorry Ladies…
But men will always have wandering eyes. It is a hard and true fact. It isn’t that your date/boyfriend/husband doesn’t like/care about/love you, they simply like beautiful things. Don’t assume he’s always looking at a woman.
To the eyes of your humble author, owning a car is like having a girlfriend. We spend time together, take care of one another, get dirty and get into arguments. But at the end of the day, we will always enjoy each others company. To be quite honest, I couldn’t live without her. Not seeing the connection? Let me lay it out for you…
Getting to know one another: This phase typically takes time for both parties. You have to figure out what she likes and dislikes (Likes: Regular Unleaded, Dislikes: 5w-40), treat her right (good wash ‘n wax should do), and make sure that she doesn’t have a history (previous accident, namely).
Dates: Every so often you should take her out. Let her get all dressed up (shine those wheels and tires) and find a good place to go and enjoy the scenery. Not all dates have to be out to the town though. It’s never too cold to go play in the snow (Make sure she has proper attire -shameless pun- for maximum pleasure).
Anniversaries: Treat her to a State Inspection once a year. Naturally she’ll always ask for something expensive to celebrate (new belts, clutch, brakes).
Day to day living: She’ll always need a little money for something (most often its gas, sometimes oil) and being a gentlemen, you’ll refuse to let her pay. During the spring and fall she’ll want more money for a new outfit or shoes (summer tires/winter tires).
Saying, “Goodbye”: As with many relationships, you’ll start to wear on each other after a while. Her constant whining (broken fan motor) and high maintenance won’t make things any easier. And like the rest of us, she’ll start to sag and get cancer (rust) at some point. When this happens, you just gotta leave her. Don’t look back though, there are plenty of younger, more attractive women out there (at your favorite local dealer).
Knowing when you found, “The One”: This is indeed a rare moment and a very special one at that. You’ll know when you found “The One” when you look forward to going on dates (drives), don’t mind spending time together (washing and detailing) and even take the time to work out your differences (replacing a broken fan motor is a pain you know). You may even come up with new ways to keep one another busy (restoration). Some people may not stick with the one they love forever, but they will always remember them.
And now I ask you? Have you met the (automotive) love of your life? Have any (automotive) crushes?
Pearl, you’ll forever be in my heart.
Princess Leia from the original Star Wars movies. If any of you did (or do) not have a crush on Princess Leia then I kindly ask that you leave right now. She arrived in my life right around the time my feeble mind was trying to comprehend the meaning of the word “sexy”. In that respect she did more than answer that question, but she became the definition thereof. Princess Leia had it all. The way she could just take command of a situation and hop on a speeder bike blasting through dense jungle forests at near blinding speeds without a thought to the danger involved was captivating. Her long hair was always doing something new and exciting, although I could have done without the ear muffs. Plus she has all the emotional stress of a blown-up home world to make her vulnerable. Not to mention she looks pretty damn good in a metal bikini.
Jessica Rabbit from the Roger Rabbit movies. I believe Jessica Rabbit came around far before I had started having thoughts of ladies, so the feelings she gave me were very confusing. She was everything my mother would hate in a woman, and I loved her for it. The slinky dresses, luscious lipstick, and overall naughty attitude just screamed good times. She was that secret scandalous love affair that I didn’t yet know I wanted.
Jasmine from Aladin. To me Jasmine was more than just another sexy lady who could take care of herself, she represented all the unknown and foreign exotic mysticism of a completely different culture. Her silk clothes, well tanned skin, and exotic jewelry all created a mystic and captivating allure. Plus she showed a lot of skin, which is pretty hot on cartoon characters.
Topanga Lawrence from Boy Meets World. I watched this show for most of my youth. It was a very fundamental part of my adolescence, to sit down every Friday evening with my parents and my brother and a big bowl of popcorn and watch Family Matters and Boy Meets World. Around the time Corey and Topanga started to get more physical I started to realize that deep inside I was harboring feelings of hatred and jealously towards Corey. This was far more than just a physical attraction. Topanga was, most likely, my first true love.
Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. I’ll admit it, it was mostly the boobs. Seriously, whoever sat down and thought, “Hey, most video game players are either low-life scum who will never get laid or horny teenagers, so let’s make a video game character with huge knockers!” should get a promotion. Lara has everything you will find on any guy’s list of things he looks for in a chick: a huge rack, guns, big boobs, short shorts, and a really nice set of chesticles. To see this character brought to life through Angelina Jolie was probably the greatest and most epic moment in manhood.
