May 26, 2008
Skittles People and M+M People
It brings me great pleasure to present to you our first guest author, Mel. -Travis
There are two kinds of people in this world. I’m not talking about blacks and whites, Christians and Jews, Obamas and Hillaries. No, no, nothing as simple as that. There are two kinds of people in this world: Skittles people and M&Ms people.
In my novice opinion, Skittles people and M&Ms people can never, and will never, as long as this world exists, live in cohesion. It is impossible. But, that is neither here nor there, because people are born with their predetermined candy-coated preference. Perhaps there is a candy fairy that proclaims people either Skittles fans or M&M fans while they’re still in the womb, or perhaps their partiality is determined by the number of stairs their mothers climbed while they were pregnant- no one knows for sure. Only one thing is certain: Skittles and M&Ms don’t mix.
Think of how utterly disgusting the world would be if Skittles and M&Ms were in the same package. Both consist of pure sugar, both are the exact same shape and size, and despite ads for the opposite, both will melt in your hand if they sit there long enough, yet to mix them would be unthinkable. For a virtual visual example, please recall small, cheap, gatherings where bowls of Skittles and M&Ms are set out for guests. What would happen if those two separate and distinct bowls were combined into one, all-encompassing, communal bowl? Two worlds would be united, and the results would not be pretty. In fact, there would be melted colored chocolate mixed with sticky, melted fruity goo. Eww. It’s quite obvious that Skittles and M&Ms are made for two separate groups of people: the Skittles people and the M&Ms people, respectively, and these people should not interact with each other.
Because today’s world is full of skeptics and wise guys, I will explain my theory in greater detail. What if, ye of little faith might ask, “I enjoy both Skittles and M&Ms?” Well, I would tell you, stop being indecisive and pick one, God damn it. Just kidding. In a more Dr. Phil-esque manner, I would say, look deeper into your preferences. Everyone prefers one more than the other. The fact is, humans are lazy. It is much easier to say, “Meh, I enjoy both Skittles and M&Ms,” than it is to say “why yes, I do prefer Skittles over M&Ms because I fully enjoy the blend of fruity goodness enclosed with the cavity-causing sugary coat.” We are eager to please, and decisions that put us in a position to remain neutral are the most commonly chosen. But, we do, in fact, have a first choice. Once this first choice is determined, whether it be by a pros and cons checklist or a thirty minute meditation session, we can lump the Skittles with the Skittles, and the M&Ms with the M&Ms, and make sure both groups keep their distance.
The disbelievers and most annoying people to convince are now asking, what the hell is the difference between the two groups of people? Well, you cynical bastards, the answer is complicated. I’ve yet to pinpoint an exact distinctive difference in the two groups, other than the fact that they’re like peanut butter and tuna fish when they’re combined. One way to determine the differences for yourself is to ask your friends, acquaintances and enemies their candy preference, and, chances are, your friends will share their candy loyalties with you, your acquaintances don’t matter anyway, and your enemies will be on the opposite team. Try it. If it doesn’t work, maybe you need new friends.
Princess Leia from the original Star Wars movies. If any of you did (or do) not have a crush on Princess Leia then I kindly ask that you leave right now. She arrived in my life right around the time my feeble mind was trying to comprehend the meaning of the word “sexy”. In that respect she did more than answer that question, but she became the definition thereof. Princess Leia had it all. The way she could just take command of a situation and hop on a speeder bike blasting through dense jungle forests at near blinding speeds without a thought to the danger involved was captivating. Her long hair was always doing something new and exciting, although I could have done without the ear muffs. Plus she has all the emotional stress of a blown-up home world to make her vulnerable. Not to mention she looks pretty damn good in a metal bikini.
Jessica Rabbit from the Roger Rabbit movies. I believe Jessica Rabbit came around far before I had started having thoughts of ladies, so the feelings she gave me were very confusing. She was everything my mother would hate in a woman, and I loved her for it. The slinky dresses, luscious lipstick, and overall naughty attitude just screamed good times. She was that secret scandalous love affair that I didn’t yet know I wanted.
Jasmine from Aladin. To me Jasmine was more than just another sexy lady who could take care of herself, she represented all the unknown and foreign exotic mysticism of a completely different culture. Her silk clothes, well tanned skin, and exotic jewelry all created a mystic and captivating allure. Plus she showed a lot of skin, which is pretty hot on cartoon characters.
Topanga Lawrence from Boy Meets World. I watched this show for most of my youth. It was a very fundamental part of my adolescence, to sit down every Friday evening with my parents and my brother and a big bowl of popcorn and watch Family Matters and Boy Meets World. Around the time Corey and Topanga started to get more physical I started to realize that deep inside I was harboring feelings of hatred and jealously towards Corey. This was far more than just a physical attraction. Topanga was, most likely, my first true love.
Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. I’ll admit it, it was mostly the boobs. Seriously, whoever sat down and thought, “Hey, most video game players are either low-life scum who will never get laid or horny teenagers, so let’s make a video game character with huge knockers!” should get a promotion. Lara has everything you will find on any guy’s list of things he looks for in a chick: a huge rack, guns, big boobs, short shorts, and a really nice set of chesticles. To see this character brought to life through Angelina Jolie was probably the greatest and most epic moment in manhood.
