fillet-of-who?

Dear Hollywood,

I write this letter to you as a warning, a shot across your bow as it were. I bring these matters to your attention for your own good. I know you’d like us all to believe that you are thriving, but we all know it to be false.

No?

A new Terminator? Honestly. And how many movies based on comic books have come out in the past year ? I count at least 7. More than one every other month. But I digress. This is not why I fire shots across your bow.

Special Effects.

Roll back the clock approximately 113,880 hours to 1995 when the first Jurassic Park came out. Recall that movie for a moment. That T-Rex chasing a jeep through the night? That dinosaur was completely CG, but there was something about it that just made it so believable. Like they actually spent time on it and didn’t just hustle it out the door. Fast-forward 52,560 hours to 2001. Jurassic Park III has just come out and it is a CG nightmare. Not only was the movie itself of lesser quality plot wise, but instead of CG playing a supporting role, it was elevated to lead in the form of Spinosaurus. Lead role is, unfortunately, a place where I believe CG is a little uncomfortable.

Enough beating around the bush… CG should only be used to supplement, not replace real special effects. Hollywood, you have more money than brains, therefore I propose to you these 7 Tenets of Special Effects:

1. Blow things up.
2. Supplement real action with CG.
3. Use your vast resources.
4. Do it better than the AV nerds at home.
5. Do something we haven’t seen before, but don’t cop out to CG.
6. CG for movies like Transformers is OK.
7. For the love of god reduce the number of people in the damn credits.

The value of CG has plummeted. It was a neat trick, but we all know it now. If something looks impossible, CG is the obvious answer. Change that. Rebuild your credibility. Do real effects. Tell the critics. Tell the media. Tell your fans. For the love of movies and the good of movies worldwide.

Besides, the hardest and quite possibly the coolest car stunt of all time was completed in 1974, and has yet to be repeated.

Do us proud.

Regards,

-Travis

But men will always have wandering eyes. It is a hard and true fact. It isn’t that your date/boyfriend/husband doesn’t like/care about/love you, they simply like beautiful things. Don’t assume he’s always looking at a woman.

To the eyes of your humble author, owning a car is like having a girlfriend. We spend time together, take care of one another, get dirty and get into arguments. But at the end of the day, we will always enjoy each others company. To be quite honest, I couldn’t live without her. Not seeing the connection? Let me lay it out for you…

Getting to know one another: This phase typically takes time for both parties. You have to figure out what she likes and dislikes (Likes: Regular Unleaded, Dislikes: 5w-40), treat her right (good wash ‘n wax should do), and make sure that she doesn’t have a history (previous accident, namely).

Dates: Every so often you should take her out. Let her get all dressed up (shine those wheels and tires) and find a good place to go and enjoy the scenery. Not all dates have to be out to the town though. It’s never too cold to go play in the snow (Make sure she has proper attire -shameless pun- for maximum pleasure).

Anniversaries: Treat her to a State Inspection once a year. Naturally she’ll always ask for something expensive to celebrate (new belts, clutch, brakes).

Day to day living: She’ll always need a little money for something (most often its gas, sometimes oil) and being a gentlemen, you’ll refuse to let her pay. During the spring and fall she’ll want more money for a new outfit or shoes (summer tires/winter tires).

Saying, “Goodbye”: As with many relationships, you’ll start to wear on each other after a while. Her constant whining (broken fan motor) and high maintenance won’t make things any easier. And like the rest of us, she’ll start to sag and get cancer (rust) at some point. When this happens, you just gotta leave her. Don’t look back though, there are plenty of younger, more attractive women out there (at your favorite local dealer).

Knowing when you found, “The One”: This is indeed a rare moment and a very special one at that. You’ll know when you found “The One” when you look forward to going on dates (drives), don’t mind spending time together (washing and detailing) and even take the time to work out your differences (replacing a broken fan motor is a pain you know). You may even come up with new ways to keep one another busy (restoration). Some people may not stick with the one they love forever, but they will always remember them.

And now I ask you? Have you met the (automotive) love of your life? Have any (automotive) crushes?

Pearl, you’ll forever be in my heart.