fillet-of-who?

It’s always fun to look back and examine the fashion and trends of past decades. Perhaps it hasn’t yet happened to you, but surely you’ve at least overheard a parent or older sibling say something along the lines of “What was I thinking when I decided to wear that _____?” The 70s claim bellbottoms and a philosophy that holds orange, yellow, and brown as the primary colors. The 80s claim perms and neon everything. The 90s are a little fresher in my memory (has it really been 9 years?) but can probably boast hmmm… those zip-off pant legs maybe? So I like to ask myself what the current trends are that will induce a grimace when, years from now, we flip through old pictures? Well get fired up because I’m going to tell you. Golly this is going to get controversial! Let’s start with…

Plaid Shorts

You know exactly the ones I mean. They’re the ones your girlfriend asks you to buy (and even wear). Or perhaps as you live the single life, you glimpsed a happy couple walking hand in hand and you thought “Hey, I could go for some intimate times with a female… I dare say I could suffer the homosexual connotations of wearing those warlocks for the sake of attracting a proper mate!” Well that’s all well and good but just be warned. Years from now you will be dusting off the old album and hanging your head in shame as you gaze upon the pastel travesties that were your shorts.

Crocs (On adults)

Hey what do I know? Maybe these things are really freaking comfortable and easy to clean. I’ve never worn them and I don’t even care to talk about them.

Tattoos

Ok now we get to the heart of the post… my distaste for ink. This is the part of the show where I offend 90 percent of my generation who either has a tattoo or plans to get one with their next paycheck. “Hey everyone! Please look at how uniquely I’ve expressed myself via body art!” Well allow me to let you know that everyone and their freaking mother has a tattoo! It’s not unique. It’s retarded. Shockingly, even as the term “Tramp Stamp” has all but found its way into Webster’s, young women continue to line up to purchase one of their own. Think of how many soccer moms are going to have em in a few years. Let’s take a gander at all the frat boys who show off their Japanese symbols saying “Yeah, it means Courage“. No, it means “I like balls in my face” because you have absolutely no reason to identify yourself with eastern culture. I don’t care if you took Karate in 4^th grade, eat sushi, or loved The Last Samurai…You’re still a douche. I don’t think I even need to delve into the practice of getting the initials of your girlfriend or boyfriend tattooed onto your creamy thigh. Unless of course you think you’ll enjoy the daily reminder of whatshername/whatshisname who cheated on you that time. I miss the days where you only had a tattoo if you were a biker or a sailor.

If you really need to decorate your epidermis, tattoo “100 % GRADE A BEEF” on your ass. Or maybe you could do some research and put some Nutrition Facts right above your manhood. At least that would make me giggle. I might suggest inking some inch marks on your shaft but I’m pretty sure you’d need to go metric… I kid.

Ok, to be fair, I have seen one or two tattoos out there that I appreciate. My friend Dave has the Triforce emblem from The Legend of Zelda inked into to his shoulder as well as a memorial shield for the late Captain America on one side of his chest. However that more so speaks to my admittedly childish tastes rather than to the value of tattoos on the whole. Not to mention the fact that I would still never consider getting one myself.

To me, tattoos have become a manifestation of insecurity, a cry for attention, and a feeble attempt to define oneself as an individual. In our modern state that is plagued with a growing sense of disconnection from one another, we humans long to establish a legitimate notion of selfhood. I get that. But hear the prophetic words of Erv Blitzer as seen in the Walt Disney classic Cool Runnings. “If you’re not enough without it, then you’ll never be enough with it” Yes, he was referring to an Olympic gold medal, and perhaps I’m reading too deeply into the ritual of bodily defacement, but I think it still works. In fact I’m going to go ahead and throw around some statistics that I just now made up. 87 percent of tattooees regret their decision within 10 years. Think about what you were like 10 years ago. Are you even the same person? Are you still into the same crap now that you were then? Or have you perhaps undergone some significant changes? You understand where I’m going with this. And let’s say that somewhere down the line you opt to undergo tattoo removal. Haven’t you just negated everything you were originally going for?

As far as I’m concerned, the decision to tattoo yourself in this day and age ironically carries with it a contradiction to the original intention. That is, it makes you a sheep; a follower of the majority who lacks the creativity to express yourself on a more meaningful level.

Believe me when I tell you all that I am not of the goth/emo/punk/screamo/hardcore/grindcore schools of thought which discourage conformity at all costs (especially when such nonconformity demands that you adhere to a predetermined set of trends and fashions of a specific subculture). I like Dane Cook, I enjoy F.R.I.E.N.D.S., love South Park, and have even been known to watch America Idol on occasion. Though it can be incredibly tempting at times, I don’t condemn a trend simply because of its popularity. What I do condemn is the false idea that a permanent marking on one’s person somehow shapes one’s identity, perceptions, or self-worth. I imagine people are now going to explain to me the actual meaning and reasoning for a personal tattoo and I say this… Let it rain down upon me.