fillet-of-who?

So you’ve decided to become a “badass”. Few of us dong wielding gents ever qualify for the title and like all things worthwhile, it takes time and effort. First off, you’re going to need to swallow your waxy pride and take my advice. Even though those considered badass are known for breaking the rules, ironically there are some definitive rules that must be followed before the title can be successfully earned. Let’s take a look at the prerequisites shall we?

A Heaping Helping of Cynicism

First and foremost you’re going to have to leave all optimism behind. This journey you are about to take is one of pain and misery. The good news? You’re gonna look damn good while doing it. It always helps to try to come up with some repressed emotional struggles (abandonment, father issues, untimely deaths etc.) In other words, you gotta have baggage. In fact I want you to think of yourself as the Baggage Claim conveyor belt at JFK International Airport. That’s a lot of baggage. And baggage is hot.

You Must Be This Tall To Ride The BA Train

Yes there are always exceptions to the rules, but let’s be honest. You are not going to rise to Badass stature if you need a box to reach the medicine cabinet. Not to encourage a defeatist attitude, but perhaps you’d be more suited to a tamer lifestyle. For our purposes, let’s set the bar at 5′6″ shall we?

The Wardrobe

No we’re not traveling to Narnia; we’re going to take a look at your threads. This is tricky. You see the problem lies in our modern culture that demands that a man look good without trying to look good. For a bonafide Badass, the task is all the more difficult. For starters, let’s stray as far away from those tempting springtime pastels as possible! Don’t worry. If you embrace the colors of our dear mother earth, no one’s gonna think you a momma’s boy. Browns, blacks, tans, and dark denim should do the trick. You know, why don’t we go ahead and throw some dead animals on you? I’m talking about leather. Have you ever seen a badass member of PETA? Didn’t think so.

Take Some Shots To The Chest

No not like 50 Cent (although something to consider). I’m referring to hard liquor. I don’t care how strong you claim to make them; you must abandon all hope of ever tasting fruity alcoholic beverages from this day forth. Whisky is you best bet. In addition, you are going to have to learn how to take a shot without making a silly face. That’s right, no grimace! No matter what it takes, if you want to maintain BA status, you must look as though you are gulping HI-C from a Dixie Cup… without smiling of course.

Prominent Scars / Mutilation

Always a plus but don’t over do it. Battle wounds can only make your BA stock rise. Unless of course it gets to the point of a lost limb. I mean sure, you can be kinda badass with only one arm in that “I was in Nam before you were suckin’ on your mamma’s teat” kinda way… but ultimately it’s gonna compromise your ability to intimidate. Let’s stick to simple yet pronounced scarring.

Silent But Deadly

You might have heard the expression “The strong silent type“. Badasses generally aren’t much in the way of conversationalists. In speech, your best bet is to remain firm and brief. You have to keep to yourself as much as possible (in manner and in speech) so as to exemplify that repressed emotional baggage I was talking about earlier.

Final Test

Are you ready for it? Walk away from an enormous fireball explosion without looking back. Be sure to walk (don’t run) as if you have everything under control. After you have successfully performed this feat, report back to me and I’ll make you some sort of nice plaque.