fillet-of-who?

It brings me great pleasure to present to you our first guest author, Mel. -Travis

There are two kinds of people in this world. I’m not talking about blacks and whites, Christians and Jews, Obamas and Hillaries. No, no, nothing as simple as that. There are two kinds of people in this world: Skittles people and M&Ms people.

In my novice opinion, Skittles people and M&Ms people can never, and will never, as long as this world exists, live in cohesion. It is impossible. But, that is neither here nor there, because people are born with their predetermined candy-coated preference. Perhaps there is a candy fairy that proclaims people either Skittles fans or M&M fans while they’re still in the womb, or perhaps their partiality is determined by the number of stairs their mothers climbed while they were pregnant- no one knows for sure. Only one thing is certain: Skittles and M&Ms don’t mix.

Think of how utterly disgusting the world would be if Skittles and M&Ms were in the same package. Both consist of pure sugar, both are the exact same shape and size, and despite ads for the opposite, both will melt in your hand if they sit there long enough, yet to mix them would be unthinkable. For a virtual visual example, please recall small, cheap, gatherings where bowls of Skittles and M&Ms are set out for guests. What would happen if those two separate and distinct bowls were combined into one, all-encompassing, communal bowl? Two worlds would be united, and the results would not be pretty. In fact, there would be melted colored chocolate mixed with sticky, melted fruity goo. Eww. It’s quite obvious that Skittles and M&Ms are made for two separate groups of people: the Skittles people and the M&Ms people, respectively, and these people should not interact with each other.

Because today’s world is full of skeptics and wise guys, I will explain my theory in greater detail. What if, ye of little faith might ask, “I enjoy both Skittles and M&Ms?” Well, I would tell you, stop being indecisive and pick one, God damn it. Just kidding. In a more Dr. Phil-esque manner, I would say, look deeper into your preferences. Everyone prefers one more than the other. The fact is, humans are lazy. It is much easier to say, “Meh, I enjoy both Skittles and M&Ms,” than it is to say “why yes, I do prefer Skittles over M&Ms because I fully enjoy the blend of fruity goodness enclosed with the cavity-causing sugary coat.” We are eager to please, and decisions that put us in a position to remain neutral are the most commonly chosen. But, we do, in fact, have a first choice. Once this first choice is determined, whether it be by a pros and cons checklist or a thirty minute meditation session, we can lump the Skittles with the Skittles, and the M&Ms with the M&Ms, and make sure both groups keep their distance.

The disbelievers and most annoying people to convince are now asking, what the hell is the difference between the two groups of people? Well, you cynical bastards, the answer is complicated. I’ve yet to pinpoint an exact distinctive difference in the two groups, other than the fact that they’re like peanut butter and tuna fish when they’re combined. One way to determine the differences for yourself is to ask your friends, acquaintances and enemies their candy preference, and, chances are, your friends will share their candy loyalties with you, your acquaintances don’t matter anyway, and your enemies will be on the opposite team. Try it. If it doesn’t work, maybe you need new friends.