fillet-of-who?

No seriously. We’ve all grown up with hopes and fears of the little gray men from Mars, but today I’m here to tell you that WE are the men from Mars. And who am I to make such claims you might ask? My name is Tristan Emerson, and I’m a Scientist. That’s right folks, a Scientist. Right here sitting next to me is an expensive piece of paper proving my scientist….ness. It reads, “Tristan Emerson, Bachelor of Science in Computer Science.” So actually, I guess I’m two scientists!

Now I wouldn’t make such outrageous claims without being able to give you absolute and undeniable proof of this, would I? Well probably, but not today! Behold, and tremble before my great awesomeness as I present you with indisputable proof of my claims:

In July of 1976 NASA was passing by Mars on its annual trip to the Bahamas when they stopped to snap a couple pictures of the planet. Little did they know that 32 years later a very bored man would use these photos to put together the greatest cover-up in history. The pictures I’m referring to, of course, are those of the “Face” on mars.

You gasp in awe, and feel a slight shiver run up your spine. “Could it be true?” you find yourself thinking. Let’s keep reading.

Well, what good would it do to build a face on your planet if it could only be seen from space? If this was built for the people on Mars, it would most likely resemble Mount Rushmore so that people could actually SEE the face. But maybe they didn’t LIVE on Mars. Maybe they lived on the planet Mars orbited around (stifle gasps for now, there’s a lot more to cover). So, there’s this big planet of which Mars is a moon. For reference we’ll call this planet Tristonia, that seems humble enough of a name for a planet. So, Mars is orbiting around Tristonia, and some Tristonian pirates get together and decide that they’d like to put a face on their moon that could be seen from all over Tristonia. The Galactic Association of Pirates gets together and builds the huge face on Mars, to the delight of all Tristonians. But their happiness could not last forever.

War! There’s not room enough on one planet for both galactic pirates and ninjas. The planet of Tristonia was host to the most epic of wars in the history of the universe. The Galactic Association of Pirates, knowing they couldn’t hold out against the terrible forces of the League of Ninjas, knew that their only hope of ending the ninjas was to blow up the entire planet! The ninjas, knowing doom was impending, filled a ship with vials of the DNA and microbial juices of all kinds of plant and animal life. Their only hope was to launch the ship to Earth, and hope that the various species could adapt and survive on the near waterless planet.

But, as luck would have it, the explosion of Tristonia sent huge pieces of the planet rocketing into one side of Mars (as any good American knows, the majority of craters on Mars are on ONE side. Coincidence? I think not.). The impact forced all the water on Mars to get jolted off of it and sent it on a long long journey to Earth (can you think of any other way to explain how water flowed uphill on Mars?).

This also helps us explain how thousands of religions have some story of a global or near-global flood. Ok, maybe not thousands. Maybe like two or three. I think the Greeks did… Anyway, all the rain pouring down through space and hitting Earth would introduce tons and tons new water, making Earth a much more livable place than it was before the great war of Tristonia, and the microbes and DNA from the “arc” would have a perfect environment to flourish into what we all see around us today.

So there you have it. You’d have to be an idiot to not see the obvious logic here.

“You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.”
~L. Ron Hubbard, Science Fiction Author and Founder of Scientology